Monthly Archives: December 2011

A year ago…….

A year ago…….

Edit
A YEAR AGO……..
by Kelly Donovan on Sunday, December 11, 2011 at 1:34pm

I was 20 when i got pregnant. Not the usual 16 you see today but at that time that was still a “wrong” thing. I wasn’t married and my bf just got out of the Navy and moved to NJ with us. Dave and I had been friends In Pittsburgh since we were around 13. But we knew each other or at least of each other because he lived behind my dad’s parents house where we were sent every weekend…..Fri after school until Sunday late afternoon. I went to public school until my parents thought that Catholic school would save me….Boy were they wrong…..I would hike that skirt up and smoke in the bathroom and had the best times….Dave had always went to Catholic schools so was always good :). Too good for me to date but good enough for me and him to become good friends……I was made to move at the end of 11th grade…I had to do 12th grade in a new state and new people and did everything I could do to get out of it…for instance rubbing poison ivy all over my body so i couldnt go to school…..you know…..sick things….I got a bf who i loved and we had a great group of friends and had a blast …… things change and bf left but i had a good job….and wanted to do hair and makeup….I worked as an assistant manager at a fancy clothes and coat store and my gf and I did Cosmetology school! I worked at high end salons low end and everything in between before I ended up at Charles Bruce….I loved it there and the people were great. I dreamt about Dave one night and wrote him in San Diego. He received it right after him and his gf broke up. We started talking…..fell in love and that was it….we had so much history that it all felt so good….so we decided he would come to NJ instead of me out there and we would start a life together……he moved in with my family and I and in 2 months I was pregnant….Now….I loved sex and would have it unprotected ALL the time….NEVER had I gotten pregnant but……with him…I did…. I wanted to terminate it and he said no—lets get married and have it and all that fun stuff…..ugh……but i did…..and when that boy came out and shit all over and in me ( i had to have a c-section……..he started coming out and went back up–lol and if u knew him…….u would know now that sense of humor) I fell in love……the minute I saw him…..and loved him every minute no matter what until the day he left us on December 10, 2010. In March of 1996 we had our daughter Emily….Jared had been an only child…..spoiled…we tried for a couple years to get pregnant to no luck….He was 5 when she was born and loved her but could care less….. he liked when she was little so he could hold her for a few minutes and then go play! as she got older and wanted to play with him and his toys he wanted no parts…..I always wondered if they were closer in age if I wouldnt be writing this now……

He was definitely my child…..everything about me good and bad….but had his dads looks…..6’1 dark hair and eyes…in the sun for a half an hour and as tan as could be…..That beautiful Italian skin…..We could scream and fight for hours and then sit down and laugh and it was like we never fought…..he struggled though. He was a straight A student up until 9th grade when he started getting sick……We knew something was off but never quite new what….He went with girls for the longest time and then liked men…..so bisexual is what I would say but ended up with a man who he told us was a girl until one day he asked Dave and emily to leave room and told me truth….at first I was shocked….although we support whatever lifestyle people choose……but a surprise…yes…..it took a minute and then I told Dave and we slept on it and was fine with it…We loved our son….weird a but at first…yes…..but he knew and was so relieved we knew and didnt care it made it ok….and then I had to tell someone and I called my sister…..i think we both went into a cold sweat and then was like …ok…..He lived with her for a while after that but we both could see he was getting worse………..then he went back to rich………

We spent alot of time with them…..the last year of Jareds life was the best for all of us….Dave refinished the basement for them and made them a studio apt with a full bathroom so they had their “own”place so they didnt have to worry about money and Jared dropped out of school (he was 18) and worked full time…He was a worker..never missing a day and worked hard….Rich worked at the casinos and got laid off and was having a hard time finding work….but he would cook and help around house and we were managing…..

I had jared to dr after dr—we all knew something was getting worse…..worse than the chronic depression i suffer from and then they put a name on what he had been suffering from…..Bipolar–manic—and we believe schizophrenia started setting in…..So we were glad he moved in so we could watch him and help them and get that worry about losing everything off their head…..Christmas was Jareds favorite holiday……not to mention he spoiled the shit out of his sister every time he could…graduations..birthdays….holidays…..he loved it and u could see on his face as she loved it he gleamed…..only regret was his bf couldnt be involved in all we did because my dad is an Italian Man who doesnt believe in many open things and the light of his life Jared being gay wouldnt of went over well….we all had our own views….We were always…tell him or I will and he will be mad but get over it and others felt it not to be important….dont tell him….he will die….he will disown you….and my son loved his grandparents………….he did……..and i know it kept him from being real with my Dad but noone ever gave my dad that chance and since Jared followed my path as I did my Dad…we get mad and yell and then get over it……..Jared didnt want to kill him…Now i wish I just would of told my dad instead of listening to everyone..anyway….neither here nor there….I believe my Dad knowing now……after losing Jared wouldnt of cared after a minute……But thats not why my son killed himself…..

No one knows…..Dave and I spoke to him that morning…He spent 450.00 on new tires for his Blazer…..him and Rich went out to breakfast and Christmas shopping…..he was fine…….laughing and i went for a nap…I was awaken by a nightmare at 115. Dave was working downstairs and i called him up and asked if Jared had came home to go to work….(jared had dropped off rich and said he had to run to work and would be right back) Rich had went out with a friend–which I believe might have pushed a bit at jared…..and Dave said he hadnt heard from Jared so we started calling Jared and that was the million calls and txts that went on until we decided to rent a car and go look for him….He wasnt called into work and then never showed up……..He decided to sit on the side of road 5 minutes from our house and wait for the biggest ice road trucker truck to come by…..with no other cars and drive head on at almost 100 mph towards it…..and it coming that much the other way……..he wrote a note on papers from a book in his car and took his life at 115…..the time I was awakened as my baby left this world….As we pulled out of the rent a car place….Emily stayed home waiting for him to pull in…we thought he was out with someone else or whatever….4 cop cars pulled up….she knew as she stared out the window seeing it……they had her call us…..we came home and knew………………….a big part of me died that day…..we never saw him in morgue……we couldnt……didnt wantt o remember him that way….my mom wanted to go but my sister wouldnt let her….I had called my sister when we went out to start looking and when the cops were there i called her and her and her husband got to my house in minutes it seems……my dad was sick and they thought it was just an accident but dave knew and so did the cop who told him thats what they believed……..I dont know all the details nor do I want to….i accidentally saw it was a mac truck he hit………..i thought guardrail…….Dave knows every detail because he had to for many reasons…..his money he had for his sister put away from work and life insurance all gone due to suicide….he had money for his sister….everything gone……Its a shame his sister has to suffer because my son was sick……and I wish he would of called me like he did everyother time to talk or bang on my art door to get in to talk…..hours and hours…..he was mine….but dave emily and i suffer daily missing that smart ass.

When Dave and I were little in school we had a friend Jefferey Joseph who jumped from a bridge in PA and killed himself…….it still effects us to this day…….Jareds friends who we have known many since the day we moved here—for years will have to live with this now…….I feel so bad for them….I want to hug them and say I am sorry I couldnt save him……but those who knew Jared knows he had his own mind and did as he chose……..he loved his friends and I hadnt seen him happier then when he moved in with us for a month when his car broke down and he stayed here and hung with his friends………

I havent looked at a picture of him in this whole year and yesterday and today were the first i put up…….He was my kid….through and through but growing into such a wonderful man……So many were effected by this day and i am sorry…………..I hope you will all keep him in your hearts and thoughts……..and remeber that laugh and raw humor…..he loved his friends…..he just got lost……………………..